Echo and Narcissus: the Pool in our Pockets

Part 3 of 'The Barbed Hook of Big Tech Capitalism'

OK, quick recap. Part 1 explored how if we care about relationship, deep connection, and want to contribute to societies wellbeing, it’s important to reassess the potency and effect of social media. Part 2 looked at the exhausting economic free labour of social media, that is draining our attention and creativity. Now I will look at the issue of social media in our lives through a mythic lens. A myth that has seeped it’s way into pop-psychology, but is sometimes misunderstood.

Narcissus

The idea of narcissism originates from Greek mythology. Narcissus was beautiful, but disdained all those who loved him. One day he happened upon a clear pool and fell in love with his own self-reflection. Enthralled by the intoxication of his love for self, he eventually withered away and died by the pool,  trapped and blinkered by his own self-obsession. The story of Narcissus is a tragedy. Despite the loving efforts by the people around him to connect, he was unable to receive the love, or give any back. In therapeutic terms, for some reason in his inner world, reciprocal relationships were not possible. He was starved of connection and affection. The only person he was able to open his heart to was to himself.

There’s a few threads to pull out here that I think are important. Was narcissus pre-disposed to getting drawn into the reflective pool? Why was everyone else able to walk on by, without getting drawn in? Was Narcissus born with this frailty for self-obsession, or was it a strategy developed during childhood to survive, be noticed, get love, that later took hold and wove itself into the core of who he is, and his behaviour? 

In our modern world, it is no longer a clear pool of water. It is the black screen that we all carry around in our pockets. I find myself asking, now there are shimmering pools absolutely everywhere, are more of us beguiled into the plight of Narcissus?

Here’s some headlines from the research I found. Social media increases narcissistic traits, and amplifies them. It’s a bidirectional process: those with pre-existing narcissistic wounds are more likely to become heavier social media users, which then amplifies the narcissistic behaviour. Young people are more susceptible to developing narcissistic traits when using social media. The more individualist the culture, the more susceptible an individual is to developing narcissistic traits through social media use. Reflecting on this research and my experience, social media is en-culturing us to be more self-obsessed. 

The pool is no longer an innocent pool of reflective water. It is a potent force that has the power to shift and alter our personalities. There are many very intelligent people behind that techno-pool, getting paid lots of money to draw us further in. It can wheedle into the depths of our character and amplify aspects of our personality that may otherwise have lay dormant. These days we don’t just happen upon a beautifully clear pool like Narcissus, they are literally everywhere. We use them every day. It’s hard to exist without them.  

Our collective living myth of the techno-pool is even more complex and strange now. The reflective techno-pool is not just a clear reflection of ourselves. Our friends and loved ones also lurk beneath the water, liking, commenting, and sharing whatever we choose to show to the pool. With that, we get a nice little dopamine kick, and then modify what we share next, to hopefully get those kicks again. Next thing you know we have people, particularly young people, so obsessed with body image that they prematurely wither by the pool, through suicide, obsessive body modification, dysphoria to name but a few. I wish I was just being grumpy and overly extreme here. Each of us seem more or less susceptible to the pool. Some of us walk on by unaffected, and for other’s it’s all consuming, nay deadly. 

With all of this enthralled interaction with the beguiling techno-pool, do we have a crisis of disconnection on our hands? Are the phones altering our capacity to give and receive love? All this time in our little echo-chambers of reflective pools disengages us from real life connection and intimacy. Is it dis-empowering our ability to journey together into the depths of relational connection? Are big tech companies driving a techno-screen wedge in one of the fundamentals of what it means to be human: to relate in proximity with each other? Our mythic techno-pool phones have solved some problems, sure, but in the aftermath have created a whole bunch of others.

The Narcissistic Experience

OK, so we fairly sure there is more narcissism floating around in our culture. It’s in our zeitgeist now to throw around labelling people as a narcissist. 

I’ve gone to book shops and seen entire books on spotting and dealing with narcissists. How bad and evil they are. How they are to be avoided at all costs. How they are unredeemable, and undeserving of empathy. It’s the new label, but the one that no-one wants. It’s the label that people seem eager to ascribe to those they don’t like. I don’t hear of many people hasselling their GP for a Narcissism diagnosis to try medication!! Yet it seems banded around to the same degree as other labels, but with a very different set of associated opinions. 

The cultural narrative around narcissist’s seems to be very black and white. Narcissist’s are bad, wrong, evil, abusive and perpetrating. Those on the receiving end of narcissistic behaviour are empaths, the good, the victim, the one with the moral high ground. Don’t get me wrong, narcissism can do a lot of damage to those in proximity to it. Vulnerable people should be educated on how to spot and remove themselves from the abusive power plays that narcissist’s can exert over others. But does it require fully othering and polarising the narcissistic wound? I think the more we demonise and ostracise narcissism, the deeper people will bury it, and the less help they will seek to heal. 

I think we need to dispel this good/bad polarity when we have the techo-pool of social media increasing the levels of narcissism in our culture. Narcissist’s need empathy and understanding too. If we’re going to combat against the deleterious effects of social media, I think we need to stop with the demonising of narcissists because it won’t help them change. This might be unpalatable, but it’s generally accepted now that narcissism is a spectrum. This idea of a spectral continuum is helpful because it shows how healthy traits can be tipped over into unhealthy ones. 

Healthy narcissism is about having self-worth, self-respect, confidence, abilities to self assert in relation to others. What makes it healthy is one can have these qualities, and also simultaneously put themselves down, and be able to empathise and consider others. It’s a dual awareness of self and other, and being able to hold them both in balance. It’s the see and the saw in balance. Unhealthy narcissists exhibit traits such as grandiosity, a lack of empathy or ability to focus on others, entitlement, self-absorption. Narcissism out of balance is treating other people as extensions of themselves, or others as minor characters in the movie titled ‘ME’. In proximity to these traits, it feels like all see, and no saw. The weight of focus during interactions is on the narcissist. I believe the power of social media is tipping healthy characteristics of self-worth into narcissism. 

Underneath all the grandiosity and self-focus, narcissists are crying out for deeper love and connection. As unpalatable as unhealthy narcissistic traits can be, they represent a great tragedy for the individual: their attempts at getting love are pushing people away. Despite the appearance of over-inflation, narcissistic traits often signal a person’s retractment from fully engaging in the giving and receiving of love and life. Instead, they face this voluminous noisy echo chamber of themselves. Like drinking lots of salt water to try and quench your thirst. It doesn’t work. It is a lonely place to be, staring at the clear pool of one’s own reflection, yearning for a love that can’t be let in, confused and unsure how to get it. 

This confusion is further amplified now because social media leads us to believe that self-amplification is a way of getting the love and validation we crave. And yet despite all the likes and shares and the short term dopamine highs, it doesn’t quite quench the thirst. The thought loop with that unquenched thirst becomes “maybe if I talk and share about myself more, people will notice me and give me the love I need”.  It’s a vicious and confusing cycle. If only Narcissus could look up from the pool. It’s all the more tough now though, as the techno-pool is everywhere.  

One of my biggest concerns is that social media has disrupted the line between healthy and unhealthy narcissism. Perhaps as a culture we have lost the clear distinction. How strong is our individual capacity to keep narcissistic traits ‘in check’, or on the healthy side? Given the gravitas and power of social media, it’s a huge expectation for one individual to not get drawn into the pool. 

The story of Echo 

You may have got this far, content in knowing the pool does not hold power over you. Your narcissistic tendencies are either healthy and in check, or nowhere to be seen. You may have had your finger pointed outwards, identifying all the potential narcissists in your life. It seems a popular past-time!  Some people barely post, but lurk online, scrolling and passively watching. That’s better, right?! There is another character in the myth that is relevant for these people, and that is Echo. 

Echo is a mountain nymph, cursed to only be able to repeat the words spoken by others. Echo cannot speak independently. One day, Echo is struck by the beauty of our self-absorbed Narcissus, and falls in love. It’s a recipe for tragedy, as Echo can only absorb and reflect back Narcissus’s self absorption, only further amplifying it. She cannot express her love, or reach out to truly connect with Narcissus. In the myth, they both wither away and die, never able to truly connect. If only either of them could have really reached the other, it might have broken both of their spells. 

In some ways, Echo represents the modern term for empaths, people who are highly empathetic of others. These people often find themselves caught up with narcissists. These people are great at resonating with others, absorbing and reflecting other’s experiences, realities, and emotions. Empaths left unchecked automatically side-line themselves and do not self-assert. Over empathising can be a learnt strategy to try and get love and connection. It’s a way of staying safe. They often struggle with boundaries, saying no, or asking for their needs to be met.

Here is the bit that I think often gets mis-understood. Despite their wounds manifesting differently, both Narcissus and Echo share the same core issue: they are struggling to develop deep, healthy, honest, reciprocal relationships. They both struggle to bring themselves fully forward in making relational contact with the other. This is partly why there is the narcissist-empath dynamic. Ultimately they are both speaking the same language of struggling with disconnect, and are both yearning for true intimacy. It’s just expressed with very different behaviours. 

Echo represents a cautionary tale about the importance of finding and expressing your voice, asserting yourself in the world in relation to others. The risk of not doing so is the risk of being absorbed into another’s reality. Voicelessness is not fully living. The Echo’s of our world struggle to bring their true self and incredible gifts to share with the world. The world needs these gifts. 

Passive scrolling through the techno-pool is the equivalent of Echo falling in love with Narcissus. It is not a true connection. It is a voiceless, quiet, one-way engagement in another’s reality rather than your own. It can invoke Echo’s lonely, unrequited love. It is pouring empathic energy into the screen, rather than directing that energy into your own life’s work.

Bringing it all together

As I self-reflect, I think my flip flop posting over the years has in part been motivated by this underlying fear of being drawn into the beguiling pool. It’s only now, in researching and writing this essay, can I articulate my mistrust of the power of social media’s ability to and amplify the inner Narcissus and Echo tendencies lurking in us all. Thinking about reels for a second, I wonder if the algorithm favours showing the narcissistic expression, because all of the Echo’s are happy to passively watch and ramp up the views? I wonder what have all the Echo’s got to say, who don’t post their thoughts, feelings, and creative ideas?

I think for anyone feeling the inner struggle of how much to engage with social media, there are some fundamental questions going on. Where is the healthy ground between retreating into Echo’s voiceless passivity, and the over-inflated narcissistic desire for online popularity? Stuck on either side of the pendulum, it’s easy to fear it will swing too far the other way. The conundrum is, avoiding the toxicity of social media totally, risks becoming a version of Echo: your voice might not be heard. On the other side, engaging more in posting risks getting caught in the dopamine fuelled feedback loop with the unquenchable thirst for more depth. I’m afraid I don’t have the answer. It will be different for everyone. What I do know is technology is making the pursuit of finding a healthy balance much harder these days. 

The beguiling techno-pool will always be a beguiling techno-pool. It is a reflective version of reality. We need to remember to lift our heads up, look forward, and engage the world in front of us. Here is where true intimacy, and the ripeness of love and connection lie. I fear that the more beguiling the pools become as tech progresses, the more we risk loosing the skills in deeply relating with others. Hell, look at the recent collaboration between RayBan glasses and Meta. Soon many of us will be wearing the beguiling techno-pool right on our face, literally blocking and augmenting our view of the world. Lifting our heads away from the screens and opening our hearts to those in front of us is the shore-fire route to heal the disconnection wounds of Narcissus and Echo. Relating here and now, in the real, is becoming an act of resistance against the powers of the beguiling techno-pool.